Lovers Without A History
by OneMistake
Summary: Eli can't get her out of his mind. It's sudden; unexpected. But he can't make the same mistake again.
1. Breakdown

_Chapter 1 - Breakdown_

**[[Hey guys! I haven't been on in YEARS, so this is my first story on this account. I know this starts off pretty slow, but I hate when I read fanfics that have SUCH good plots but they move so fast… it ruins them for me :( So the first few chapters might be slow, but I _promise_ they'll pick up! I'd love reviews, and you can suggest anything you want me to try and put in the story, I'm openminded :) ]]**

I grabbed Clares hand and grinned. It was after school, and we were on our way to the Dot. Morty broke down again, so we took advantage of the nice fall day to walk over together.

"So," I said. "Yet another paper to write for Dawes."

Clare shook her head. "I am SO swamped, Eli. Between exams coming up, other homework, and now this essay worth 30% of our final grade…"

"Aww, I'll help you with the essay," I grinned. "But forget about math, I can barely _define_ calculus."

She giggled. "Calculus is simple. I just have an extreme case of writer's block, and a 3 page essay on a topic of my choice is not going to mix together well."

"Alright, well, what are you thinking about? Let's start there." We crossed the street as a school bus sped by, narrowly missing us.

Clare smiled. I knew that smile; she had something up her sleeve.

"What we're gonna do after the Dot."

"Oh?" I said, smirking. "Shouldn't you be worrying more about our studying than what we're going to do AFTER?"

She rolled her eyes. "Eli, don't even pretend you aren't curious."

I shook my head. She was so cute. "Fine, Edwards, enlighten me of your plans for this evening."

We had reached the Dot. We stopped in front of the doors, letting another couple walk in before us. Clare turned to me.

"You should meet my parents!"

I froze. Clare's parents? The ones who were constantly fighting, and who go to church every Sunday and usually at least once more during the course of a week? The ones who didn't even _know_ about Clare's last boyfriend? I already knew they would take one look at me and hate me. Normally I wouldn't care, but I did want them to like me for Clare. I didn't want to stress her out anymore.

"Uh…" I said dumbly. She was standing there so expectantly, she looked nervous. "Are you sure?"

"_Yes_, Eli! We've been together for a while now, and I think maybe if I give them something else to think about they won't fight." She smiled sympathetically at what must have been my very apprehensive face. "They look past the looks. They'll love you."

"They won't think I'm a spawn of Satan?" I laughed.

She playfully pushed me. "NO, Eli, gosh!" She thought for a moment. "Well, they might at first." She said, winking.

I rolled my eyes. "Ah, well, I look forward to tonight then." I took her hand and lead her into the Dot.

Three hours later, and the place was getting empty. It was already dark out, and the lights from the street outside lit up the quiet street. Clare and I were sitting in a booth, books and binders spread out in front of us. We had gotten almost nothing done.

Clare sighed. She really did have a bad case of writer's block, despite all my efforts to try and break it. She had dark circles under her eyes and kept yawning. As every new person went up the counter, paid their bill, and left, she looked more and more frustrated. I was feeling pretty down too, seeing as how we were supposed to be at Clare's house in half an hour and she was in such a bad mood.

I put my arm around her shoulder and leaned us back against the seat. "Let's just take a break."

"Yeah," she sighed again. "That's probably for the best."

She nuzzled her head in my shoulder, and I hoped for all the word I had remembered to put on deodorant. I must have, because she didn't move away in disgust.

"You wanna clean up and get going?" I asked. "I'll buy you somethin' at the counter, and you can eat it on the way home to maybe wake you up a bit." I was such the gentleman.

Clare brightened up a bit. "Aww, that's sweet, Eli, but you don't have to. We'll be eating dinner soon anyway."

I shrugged as I packed my books into my bag. "Save it for a midnight snack then. So you can think about me."

She laughed. "Fine, but I owe you."

We left the Dot, after buying an extra large chocolate chip cookie and splitting it in half. The night was cold, so I hugged Clare tight, and that seemed to cheer her up. After a couple of minutes of walking in silence, just listening to the quiet sounds of Degrassi at night, she spoke.

"So are you nervous to meet my parents?"

I scoffed. "Nervous? I've been through worse than meeting the parents."

She smiled a bit awkwardly, with a hint of sympathy. "True, true." She brightened up a bit. "I'll feel so much better when you guys have met, though. Hopefully they'll be so focused on my new boyfriend that they'll stop focusing on each others shortcomings."

I nodded. I just hoped that once they got to know the real me, they'd feel the same way.


	2. Meet the Parents

_Chapter 2 – Meet the Parents_

We had reached Clare's house. It was quaint, a bit like mine. I took a deep breath as Clare opened the front door, leading me in. "I'm home!" She yelled out.

"It's about time, I was worried sick" – A woman who I assumed to be Clare's mother stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me standing next to Clare, her hand in mine. I smiled faintly. This oughta be fun…

"Hi, Mom!" Clare said brightly. "This is Eli."

I raised my free hand and waved. "Hi." _Real intelligent, man_.

Any awkwardness Clare's mother had shown in the first few seconds of seeing me fully disappeared as a smile filled up her face. Even as an outsider, I could see the faint wrinkles on her forehead and eyes weren't just from age, she really was stressed out.

She shook my hand. "Welcome, Eli." She turned to Clare. "You didn't tell me we would be having company, honey!"

"I know, I'm sorry, I just wanted you guys to meet, and Eli and I were writing our essays at the Dot, so I decided it would be the perfect time since we live so close." Clare looked down, blushing a little. It was adorable how she would blush at the least embarrassing things.

Clares mother smiled again. "Well, it's nice to meet you, Eli." We started walking together down the hall, into the dining room. "Dinner's been out for a half hour or so, but it's still warm." She looked back down the hall. "I don't know where your father is, Clare."

I smelt trouble. I took a quick look at Clare, and her face was unreadable. Odd, she usually wore her emotions right on her sleeve.

I sat down next to Clare as her mother handed me a plate, fork, and napkin. "Help yourself to whatever you want!" she said amiably.

As I took a pile of mashed potatoes onto my plate, along with some peas and meat loaf, I finally started to calm down a bit. Sure, her father wasn't even here, but her mother was the nicest woman I had met and I could see which part of her was in Clare. If the night went like this, it wouldn't be so bad.

It was as if her father had read my thoughts and just wanted to torture me. I heard the door that we entered through before close, and in a moment Clare's father was in the doorway looking at the food.

I looked up at the same moment as Clare and her mother. I then pretended to busy myself eating my peas, while Clare spoke.

"Hi, daddy!"

"Hey Clare! Who's this young man here?"

I looked up, my mouth full of peas. A man of mystery and wonder, that was me.

"This is Eli. We've been going out for a little while." Clare smiled pointedly at me.

"Hi, sir, nice to meet you." I shook his hand as he sat down next to me smiling, at the head of the table.

"Is this meatloaf cooked?" Her father said to her mother, when I noticed he didn't even greet her.

"Yes, it is cooked, and if you don't think it is, please go reheat it yourself." Her mom said coldly.

I saw Clare in the corner of my eye. I tried to telepathically ask her what to do now, and apparently it worked.

"So, Eli is in my English class. He's a junior, and he's really talented at writing. He's been helping me a lot with my assignments this year." She said, faking happiness.

Her father smiled. "Helping with the assignments, is that what they're calling it these days?"

Clare blushed and angrily cried, "_Dad_!", as I laughed appreciatively. "No, dad, for your information I've been having trouble thinking of ideas and Eli just so happens to have an endless mind."

I grinned smugly. That was true.

Her mother, though, looked troubled. "Clare, honey, you didn't tell us you were having trouble in English!"

Clare realized her mistake quickly. "No, I'm not! Just a bad case of writer's block, is all."

"So," her father interrupted before her mother could reply. "What's the assignment for today?"

"A 3 page essay on a topic of our choice." I spoke up.

"Ah, have any ideas for yours yet, Eli?"

I nodded. I did, yeah, but Clare's parents didn't need to know about it.

"What is it?" Clares mom asked interestedly.

I glanced at Clare, and she smiled faintly, letting me know it was alright.

"Uh, death." I said plainly. "Death and my point of view for the reasons behind it, and what happens to one after they die. A bit of focus on religion, comparing the differences between those affected by the death and those on the outside looking in." I thought it was a damn good topic, but I waited nervously to see what they'd say.

Her father nodded slowly, thinking. "Is this a personal piece, or was it sparked by a reading in class?"

"Does it matter? The topic just needs to interest us," Clare piped up.

Her father nodded. "Oh, I was just wondering." He turned his head to me. By now, I had run out of food to distract myself with. "So, what are your views?" He was smiling.

"Uh…" I fidgeted. This was why I didn't want to come here. Not even Clare knew what I was about to say. "It's kind of long, but basically I don't believe in anything. I'm Jewish by birth, but I don't really believe in it. I just believe my own thing." There. I said it.

It was quiet for the world's longest moment, when Clare's mom smiled again and said, "That is a very interesting topic, Eli, now I know why you've been helping Clare this year."

Her father seemed to agree. "Yeah, you seem like a real smart kid," He stood up, straightening his tie. "I hate to cut this short, Eli, but I was assigned a new case today and I need all the free time I can get." He shook my hand again, and left the room to go to his office.

I helped Clare's mother clear off the table and put all the leftovers away, and Clare seemed to be avoiding me. I frowned. I had just helped her parents actually _agree _on something for once. Isn't that why I came here? Why was she upset?

After I said goodbye to her mother and thanked her for the delicious meal (I can be charming when I feel like it), Clare lead me back to her front door and opened it, signaling I could go. I looked at her.

"Clare… what's wrong?"

She rolled her eyes and shifted her weight to her other foot.

I closed the door to stop the cold air from getting in. "Please tell me, I'm honestly confused here."

She sighed. "Why didn't you tell me you don't believe in anything?"


	3. What's It Like To Be Alone?

_Chapter 3 – What's It Like To Be Alone?_

I stood there stupidly. This is why Clare was upset?

"You know how important religion is to me, Eli, and you never bothered to tell me this?" She sounded a little hurt.

"Look," I said quietly. "Religion is not a big part of my life. It's hard for me to imagine what it's like for it to be such a big part of yours."

She waited, looking at me.

"I honestly didn't think it mattered," I continued. "It's not like I hate religion, I just don't believe in it, really. I just believe my own things."

"Like?" She said, but she looked a little calmer.

I shrugged. "It's complicated." I didn't want to get into this right now. That would involve reliving moments with Julia with Clare that I didn't want to relive.

She seemed to understand, because she smiled faintly. "Alright," she said. "I didn't mean to get mad at you, it was just a surprise and I thought you were hiding it from me."

I smiled in relief. "I have nothing to hide from you." And that was the truth, I just…didn't want to tell her some things.

We hugged goodbye, and I left her house to start my way back home in the cold.

* * *

_Hey, Julia. I don't know how to start this, and I don't know what to say. I know you're here watching me write this, laughing at how troubled this is making me when you know that you're right there. It just pains me to know that you can see me, you can watch over me and protect me, but I can't do the same for you. _

_ I just somehow need to let you know that if I could have the chance again, I would have done all I could to protect you. It's been almost a year, but I still feel like you're just on vacation. It's calming, really, I know that nothing bad can happen to you now, and it hasn't sunk in that I'm never going to see you living again. No matter how many times I tell people, it will never be real to me._

_ I've already said so much to you, so much over the course of the 10 months you've been gone, I've run out of things to say. But yet there's so much more. I know you know what I'm thinking though, I don't know how, but you know. You aren't an angel… you aren't watching me from up above, and you aren't just dead in the ground. You're here with me, giving me the strength to go on when I had no way of preparing myself in dealing with life alone._

_ That is so much more than I deserve, but I'm trying so hard, Jules, I won't stop trying until I'm with you again. I know you love Clare as much as I do, and I know you're happy for me, and for you, I'm going to make sure I never lose her._

_Love, Eli_

I leaned back on my bed with the letter in front of me on my lap. That saying that it's better to get your feelings out, it sucked. It just made me more miserable. Miserable that I couldn't communicate anything to Julia in words, even though I know words weren't enough.

I found comfort in knowing that even though Julia wasn't here for me to see, she felt what I felt and she knew I never meant to hurt anyone. It was half a month after the thing with Fitz, and I was done being angry. But Clare has accused me of still being angry so many times, no matter what I tell her she doesn't really understand that I'm just… stupid. I feel stupid. I'm ashamed, I went too far again and I'm lucky I didn't get hurt. I just wish I did instead of Julia that one night.

I sighed and put the letter aside. I would do anything in my power to protect and love Clare like she deserved. It didn't hurt anymore to love her, because I knew I could still love Julia. I needed to make sure that I never let anything get to her, because I could have lost her through Fitz if things had taken a wrong turn.

I was confused. I rolled over and closed my eyes, with flashbacks of hearses and flashing lights and ringing phones and crying women playing through my head, and I silently thanked the human mind for having the ability to block out painful images on command.


	4. Fade and Fall Apart

**[[Things start to get more interesting here, so if you've stuck with the story 'till now, you won't regret it! :D 3]]**

_Chapter 4 – Fade and Fall Apart_

I woke up the next morning with a foggy mind and my letter to Julia next to me. I still wasn't in a good mood, so I got up and made my way into my kitchen to find some breakfast.

A few minutes later, while heating up some cold pizza, my house phone rang.

"Hello?" I said, taking a swig of orange juice.

"Hey, man," Came Adam's voice. "What's up?"

"Making some breakfast," I replied. "How about you?"

"Nothing dude. I've been up for hours. Busy today?

I shook my head before realizing Adam couldn't see me. "Nope. Nothin' that I know of. Wanna hang?"

"Sure!"

We made plans to walk downtown in an hour, so I stuffed the pizza into my mouth and washed it down with the last of the orange juice, before rushing to the bathroom to take a quick shower.

* * *

I saw Adam sitting on a bench alone as soon as I turned the corner reaching the middle of town. When I was within hearing distance I said, "Hey, Adam, what's good?"

He nodded and smiled, moving over a few inches to give me a generous amount of room.

I sat down. "So how was your Friday night?" I asked, getting ready to bombard him with the story of meeting Clare's parents.

He shrugged. "The usual. Just watching re-runs on TiVo, I seriously need a life."

I laughed. "Whatever you do with your time is fine, as long as you stay away from people like Fitz."

He shoved me. "Like you haven't made stupid mistakes! That kid fucks with you."

I nodded and studied the people around me, lost in the memories of the last night that I had seen Fitz.

Adam seemed to sense my discomfort, because he changed the subject with a grin. "So how was last night with Clare? What was her big plan?"

I laughed. "You knew about that?"

"I didn't know the details, just that it was big!" He defended himself.

I shrugged. "Just met the parents." I told him all about how I was a little worried they wouldn't accept me. I found it pretty easy to confide in Adam.

"Why, though? There's nothing wrong with the way you think." He said seriously.

I shrugged again. I didn't have anything to say.

Adam looked around, making sure no one was listening in.

"Come on, man, you've experienced a lot with death and near-death experiences. I think Clare's parents know that you can have your own opinions by now."

I sighed. "Can we just drop it?"

"Look," Adam hesitated. "Clare's been worried about you lately, and I admit I have been, too. You seem… different. Like, distant or something. Like you're in thought all the time."

"I have an endless mind," I joked, repeating what Clare told her father last night.

Adam didn't laugh. "Seriously though… are you okay?"

I sighed again and studied the people walking by. I didn't have an answer.

Adam sat back and for a few moments it was quiet. I felt bad; he was an awesome friend and Clare was an awesome girlfriend, and here I was, blowing them off when they were trying to help me. And just last night I had promised Julia in that letter that I wouldn't make any more stupid mistakes.

I opened my mouth and looked at Adam. "I don't think I'm over her." I said plainly, speaking of Julia.

Adam looked at me, trying to read my thoughts. "You don't need to be over her. No one expects you to be, Eli."

"I know. But…" I shifted. "I still don't believe she's gone."

"It's been 10 months," Adam said quietly. "In the grand scheme of things, that's no time at all. It takes people years sometimes."

I smirked. "When did you become so deep, Wise One?"

He laughed. "I have my moments," He got serious again. "But for real dude. You don't need to be over her, ever. And Clare won't hate you for still loving her. But you need to tell her this, you owe her that much."

I nodded. I knew that. I just didn't want to deal with it anymore, and talking about it would just prolong the healing process.

After that, Adam and I just made comments on the occasional people walking by, and talked a bit about exams and school and The Goon. The usual. But in the back of my mind, Julia's face was still there, smiling and watching me. I could feel her happiness radiating through the rest of my body.


	5. Even In My Dreams

**[[This is my favorite chapter yet ^^ I hope you guys are liking where the story is heading, let me know in the reviews what you think is going to happen!]]**

Chapter 5 – Even in My Dreams

_She wrapped her arms around his waist. She was so much shorter than him – he loved that. She nuzzled her nose into his chest and he hugged her tighter to him._

_ She looked up, her round blue eyes wide. "Eli?"_

_ He smiled._

_ "I love you."_

_ His heart soared. He had told her these three words months ago, but she had never said them before now. It had been a long wait._

_ "I love you, too." And he bent his head down to give her a long, gentle kiss on the lips._

I woke with a start. _Shit_, I thought. _What is wrong with me…_ I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I was out of it. Stressed. One day everything was perfect and all of a sudden… I had no idea what to do anymore. The simplest things were becoming draining to me. Even sleep had lost it's safety.

I moved to the floor. I wanted Clare. I just wanted to hear her voice, see her words, anything. I needed to know she was still there, still alive. I took out my phone.

_Hey, _I texted. It wasn't like me to send such simple texts, but thoughts were running through my mind too fast and frequent for me to string words together.

A moment later, I got a response.

_Is everything okay?_

I threw my phone down angrily and got up. This isn't what I wanted. I wanted things to be normal. I was done talking about things that were wrong, I knew I was messed. I didn't need to hear it anymore. I tried to calm down, but I had no idea what I was thinking. Images from my dream were playing through my head in sequence; her petite frame, warm against his chest. Her soft, dark brown hair falling down her back, effortlessly perfect. Her perfect, huge, blue eyes. So like Clare's.

* * *

The weekend went by quickly. Monday morning arrived and I got into Morty, started the engine, and took off for school, my mind distracted.

All of a sudden I slammed on the brakes. A squirrel was crossing the road, and I had narrowly missed it. There were cars behind me, already angry that I had slammed on the brakes, but it took me a couple moments to realize I was still driving. I had almost hit the squirrel. On accident. That's all it would take, a moment's delay from distraction, and I would have hit the squirrel with my car.

I walked to English in a daze. I barely noticed Clare tapping my shoulder from behind. I turned.

Her mouth, which had been slightly opened from preparing to tell me something, closed quickly.

"Eli…" she said, her voice warm with concern. "You didn't text me back the other day… I've been worried."

I averted my eyes from hers.

"My phones' been messed up lately." I said shortly.

Her eyes were searching me, I could feel it.

"Alright," she said. "Well, is everything okay?"

There was only a moments hesitation before I turned around, ignoring her once again. Just like last time. I could feel Adam and Clare's confusion behind me, but no matter how hard I willed myself, I couldn't turn around.

* * *

School had passed for me in a fog. I walked back to Morty, blocking out the voices of the other students around me in the parking lot.

"Eli! Eliii! ELI!" I felt a hard push on my back.

I whipped around in anger and saw Clare.

She looked taken aback at my rage, but she looked pretty livid herself.

"What is _wrong_ with you?" She cried. "I'm helpless here, I don't know what to do, I don't know if I've done something, or what!"

I rolled my eyes. I saw her angered eyes change to hurt. I felt terrible.

"I guess Adam didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?" Her eyes were wide.

I looked away. I couldn't look at those eyes.

"Eli," she said quietly. "What did you tell him. You know you can trust me."

I shook my head and leaned against Morty's hood.

"Everything is fine, Clare. Drop it."

Her eyebrows narrowed. "We've been through this before, remember?"

"Yeah, I _remember_." I spat.

She froze. Her eyes went from concerned to hurt to anger in a second.

"Fine," she said with a hint of finality. "Whatever you want." And she turned to walk back to her bike.

"Stop," I said softly, without even thinking. "Please."

She stopped, but didn't turn around.

"I don't know what you want to know." I continued.

"Anything, Eli," She turned around. "I'm your girlfriend. I trust you, and you trust me. We've been through a lot just in the past few months. Please prove you trust me, like you say you do."

I looked up, right into her eyes.

"Clare…"

She took a few steps closer, until she was mere inches from me.

"I love you." I whispered, still holding her gaze. I was unaware of anything else in the world.

She looked up at me. "Then prove it." She said, and turned once again and walked away.


	6. The Overwhelming Truth

**Chapter 6 - The Overwhelming Truth**

I took out my phone when I got home and scrolled through my contacts until I found Clare's name. I knew I needed to do this.

An hour later, we were sitting at the very picnic table we had shared our first kiss. It was cold out, and Clare was bundled up cutely in a blue coat. Her cheeks were red from the wind.

I looked at her.

"I don't know what's going on anymore, Clare…" I said quietly.

She looked at me. "Just tell me what you can."

I closed my eyes.

"When Julia died, I was in shock. I did everything I could to forget about it." I took a breath. "And I did. And it's like it's all catching up to me now."

Clare put her hand on my arm. "It's okay to be sad, Eli."

I looked at her hand. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't breath right. I had no idea what was going on, and at this point, I didn't care.

"I just want to forget. I don't want to remember her, I don't want to remember what I said to her, what she said to me, the moment I found out she was gone, her dead body, anything. I just want her back. But I know she's here, I just…" I paused. "I lost part of myself with her, Clare. Nothing makes sense anymore."

Clare had tears in her eyes. "Eli, it was a mistake. An honest _mistake_ that she is gone. Nothing can hurt her now."

I shook my head. "She watches over me. Everything I do, she scrutinizes me, making sure I don't make another mistake." I looked back at Clare. "Lately I've begun to realize I'm crazy. She's not here. She's not watching my every move. I've been making mistakes."

"You're _human_." Clare said fiercely. "And she is here."

"How do you know?" I asked, emotionless.

"Something so great, and so perfect, such as the human mind and the love it creates… can't be gone just because of a mere car accident."

At that moment I felt the tears coming, and I stopped caring. I finally stopped caring about anything except how lucky I was, after everything, to have Clare. She wasn't Julia, but she was there to help me deal with her. And so much more.

As the first tear rolled down my cheek, Clare pulled me close. I breathed her in, smelling light roses and a hint of some sort of fruit I didn't know nor care the name of.

"What was the fight about?" She whispered, so delicately, that I knew I could tell her.

"Nothing," I said, barely audible. "Just like all of our fights."

And so it began.

* * *

"Eli, what the _fuck_," Her smile disappeared and her eyes grew angry.

I turned around. "_What_." I spat.

"You _know_ what, stop fucking _doing_ that all the time."

"Stop bitching at me for every little thing I do, Julia." I yelled.

"Stop doing stupid things and learn some common _sense_!" She screamed back. She hardly ever rose her voice at me.

I turned around. I didn't want this to get nasty. I knew how we both got when we fought, we said things we didn't mean.

"Can you stop ignoring me?" She said, obviously annoyed.

I didn't listen. I knew this whole thing was stupid and blown out of proportion. I just wanted her to shut up and forget about it, but I knew she wouldn't. She always wanted to deal with a fight once it started.

"Eli," she said after a few moments of silence. "Look. I wasn't looking for a fight, and I'm sure you weren't either. But I'm just asking for you to please, tell me why you do this. All the time."

I turned back to her, just looking at her. How her beautiful long eyelashes framed her huge blue eyes. How her mouth was involuntarily turned into a frown. How I couldn't stand to lose her… just watching that guy flirt with her at the bookstore set me off like this.

"I'm not going to tell you." I said.

"Please."

"Shut up." I said shortly.

"Don't tell me to shut. _Up_, Eli!" She cried. "You are _ridiculous_!"

"Then why are you with me?" I started yelling again. "I'm not good enough, Julia, I never was and I never will be 'cause you are _so fucking perfect_."

Her mouth, which had been open, closed at the sound of my sarcasm with those last words.

"So you lied when you said you loved me." She said quietly. I could see her eyes brimming with tears.

"Where would you ever get that idea from? We aren't even talking about that." I said. I was still pissed beyond belief.

"_Listen_ to yourself! What you just said?" She was yelling again, this time tears were streaming down her face. "If you loved me, you would just tell me. _What. Is wrong_."

"Then obviously I don't love you." I said without thinking.

Her face froze for what seemed like forever. Then forever was over, and she took her phone from it's resting spot on my shelf, dropped it in her purse, and left my house. I didn't bother stopping her.

It was an hour later that I got the call. At that moment, I realized forever really was over.

* * *

Clare was crying. I was crying. We were in silence and yet so comfortable, somehow reading each others thoughts. But I knew I had to speak, I knew I had to make her understand, like I never did to Julia.

"I loved her, so fucking much." I said. "We fought constantly. We were like a married couple; each fight meant nothing, and we knew it, we never had to apologize cause we both just knew it would always be okay. But I got jealous for one moment… and it turned into this."

Clare shuddered with tears. I felt horrible for making her feel sad, but I continued.

"Why couldn't I have saved those words for half a minute later?" I said. "Just 30 more seconds, even 10, would have saved her life. I don't regret saying the words, I know that it would have all ended up okay. But I blame myself for saying them too early. I killed her."


	7. Closure

**[[Last chapter you guys! I hope this ending kind of brings everything together for you, and it explains the slow beginning. I know it's been a short story, but the whole point of the plot was to show that Eli never gave himself the chance to get over Julia, and Clare helped him to do that. So I really hope you like it, and if you want me to write any more stories (which I'll do anyway, but you can request something), just REVIEW! :D]]**

**Chapter 7 – Closure**

I capped my pen. Dawes had finally gotten her paper, and I had finally gotten my freedom back. In more than one way. I had a couple of days to just relax, to hang around with Clare and Adam without having to worry about school. And I had stopped freaking out about Julia. In the back of my mind, I knew the problem was that I just needed to tell Clare; I wouldn't have been being true if I didn't.

Julia was laid to rest now, finally. I went to visit her grave the night after I told Clare, skipping dinner and staying until midnight, just to sit alone by the tombstone. It had been the first time I had done that, and I was glad I had waited.

It was hard, to sit next to her and know that her body was rotting away just feet underneath me. To know that the girl I had loved for so long was so close, but I couldn't see her, touch her, talk to her. But I talked anyway.

"Thank you," I said quietly. "For everything, for making me strong when you were alive. You prepared me for this. You taught me so much in life and death, and I know I'll see you once again. As Clare said, we will never be truly gone just because of a mere accident…

"I hope you are proud of me Jules, I learned now to do things for myself. Losing you helped me realize I can't rely on other people, because they might let me down. I need to help myself first… but I still need to care about other people. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to spend the rest of my life making sure that no matter what I do, it will always be better than what I did last."

I placed my hand on the tombstone, already weathered. The tears had run out earlier with Clare, and right now I wasn't sad. I wasn't empty, I wasn't confused, hurt, angry, just… peaceful.

"I love you." I said a last time. Then I put my jacket back on and made my way back to my house.

* * *

"So," Clare said. "You made a really good impression on my parents the other night." She smiled. She hadn't spoken of the other day again since it happened, she seemed to understand.

I grinned. "Even though I share a completely different religious lifestyle?"

She nodded. "They know everyone has their reasons," she looked at me. "Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Does Julia have to do with your religious beliefs?"

I wasn't annoyed. I merely smiled a small smile. "Yeah. I know she's still here watching me, and she'll never be gone. She didn't magically appear in the sky to watch me, she's not an angel, she's still Julia. Just always there. And it's peaceful knowing she won't be hurt or upset anymore."

Clare smiled. "So you don't believe in God?"

I looked at her, hoping it wouldn't start another fight. It didn't look like it.

"No, I don't. I don't pray to Him, I speak to Julia. She knew me better than anyone, and I knew her. She's personal to me, and to me, God isn't personal."

She nodded again. "I like that."

"Do you?" I asked, surprised.

"Yeah," she said, smiling. "You have your own opinion about religion and what's really there, and you're still a good-hearted person. You believe in something, and I think that's what makes you so strong."

I put my arm around her. For now, things were okay. But like she said, if they fell apart again, I knew that I would be strong enough to help myself like I did this time.

I kissed the top of her head, and finally just enjoyed the date we were on, free of homework, studying, parents, and death, and took a bite of the giant-sized chocolate chip cookie Clare and I were sharing.


End file.
